I don't understand why I bother anymore. Writing that is. Especially here. No one reads this or if they do, I wouldn't know now would I? But I know I'll continue to write here for at least a little while longer. I don't think I've ever kept a blog so long. Usually it gets old and dies in that internet kind of way. I've never given up writing though. I've kept a journal since I was 11, although not a very consistent one. Most of my entries were months apart and I'd get bored of the journal or find a better one before filling up the one before. This caused a lot of barely filled journals that I don't know what to do with.

My old journal's (one's before I turned 15) are extremely embarrassing. This is of course because I was childish as everyone is in their "tweens". Sometimes I wonder how I even functioned back then. I know lots of people who burn their childhood journals once they go back and read them. I don't. You can't undo the past, so why try. Sure I did a lot of dumb things, and my thinking was interesting if not crazy, but that was all I really knew. I can't change that. I can change how I am now. I keep my journals as reminders of my errors. They're the essays of my life I spellcheck each and every day. Now a days I quite like my journal entrees. I won't say there aren't the odd ones that make me think I was high or something but now it's balanced with at least some reasonable thoughts. Sometimes though, I really do wish I could go back and change the past. There's a lot of things I'd change or at least warn pre-teen Sianna about. Like about the truth behind the church and behind my dad. About how most people like to screw you over without knowing it because they think they're helping you. I wish I could warn her, before she wasted precious time. I wish I could have told her to take piano or kept on dancing instead of listening to dad and quiting. I think about all the time wasted, doing nothing, doing stuff I thought was going to reap rewards but left me empty instead. But I can't steal that time back. There's nothing I can do to regain it. So, instead I work extra hard now; hoping that one day it'll pay off, because I can't see the future. I can't see if it'll help or not. I just have to pray that each and every day I'm growing in a way that'll benefit--not destroy.

Yes I use my past to fix my mistakes. Everyone does/should. Mine just happen to be in the form of old girly journals filled with nonexistent drama and awkward moments. Which is why, even though no one updates, or actually read this, I'm still going to keep a blog. Because sometimes you need to write down what's going on in your mind, no matter how stupid it really is.

As Much As To Say, Well Now How About That?

I'm blogging again. At night. No wonder I'm so tired, I stay up late. I can't help it. I just want to sit and read or surf the net or listen to music. The day gets so hectic, but I don't just want to sit and do nothing to relax; at least reading makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. The best thing though is when I get an inspiration and write. It makes me feel free. I get the greatest feelings from new stories or poems but a blog or journal entree can be just as fulfilling.

I like blogs. It's like a journal I can show to my friends and any other random people online (although to be truthful, there aren't many that stumble upon it). I like writing about my day and feelings and I like knowing that people read it. Whereas my real journal, there might be one or two entrees that I'd like someone to read but then there are always the ones you'd be mortified if anyone read it that they might accidentally come upon. No blogging is probably the safest way. Plus if you don't want people you know to read it you can become anonymous but still have people comment.

I have to laugh when people tell me "technology is changing the way we think" which is all good if your 30+ but for me who grew up with the technology it isn't "changing" my mind, it shaped my mind. When you're born all you have to teach you is the influence around you. I think basically you become you by the influence from that time until you're about thirty. So to say that technology is changing "us" is really a passive saying. Maybe it's changing society as a whole, I mean people don't use old tubs for laundry anymore and you can now talk to anyone anywhere at anytime. But that's what I'm used to, so is it really changing me? Maybe the upgrading is, but really.

You're influenced a lot by everything around you. I wonder if I'd be the same person if I had different friends. I know I'd definitely be more naive if I had more childish friends. But I wonder if I'd like different music or movies. There are things I like that other people don't like, so I don't talk about it. Is that hiding? I guess it is in a way, but really if I came out and they didn't scoff would it really make any difference? Just because I like something doesn't mean that I'll make people not hate it anymore. If I lived in the city would I always dream of the country? I guess I'll never know unless I can remember a passed life or something...

I wish I had my headphones, even though they're crappy. Or even better, my old ones hadn't of broken. It's hard to listen to music and appreciate it fully when the keyboard is clacking and you can't really hear the background instruments. I was going to get new ones, but I think I'm going to use the money to buy a new ipod, since mine is almost broken. Or maybe not, because I don't really care, since it still plays music. I mean the screen is a little dark and the hold button doesn't work but really? Is it worth buying a whole new ipod over? Sigh, now I'm just undeciding again...

As midnight is rolling around I should probably get to sleep (not bed since technically I'm in bed already). Luckily Dance tomorrow won't be very intense since a few grade 12's won't be there. God I'm tired-- and it's only tuesday.

Oh I've Been Mapping it Out, I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me But I Wish That it Was Something Else

Last week I missed at least half of my classes due to how tired I was. It's just so easy to say, "I don't think I want to go to school today" and turn off the alarm clock. I don't think I've ever been so tired. But hopefully I've slept in enough this weekend that I won't be so exhausted next week. Plus I really need to stop reading books into the wee hours of the morning, that can't be helping my sleep pattern.

Maybe it's just the fact that this school year is almost over. It's slightly terrifying. I can't even be ignorant over summer vacation because I'll be working to save up for college. I can feel the boxed days of High School closing in around me as if I were some sort of mime. I want to get out of the box but I've been in this box for a while and now I know every corner and crack of it. I know my way around. Outside the box, I don't. I have no idea how to take care of myself. I mean sure, you can leave me alone. I can cook and clean and do my own laundry. But what about those things I have no idea about? Like what if I end up spilling something dreadful all over the carpet? Or if suddenly my toilet stops working? I don't know how to handle that.

What if I go to college and find out I can't do it? That it's too hard and really I suck? What if I find out that I just can't be an actress because I'm no good at it? Or maybe I am good technically, but I just don't have a light that shines bright enough to get good parts or good jobs. If I fail I'll have to crawl back. Then my mother and father will laugh at me and trap me again, telling me how they told me my dreams were foolish and how I should have stuck to academics or becoming a good wife. I just can't. I can't become something I don't want, I can't do something I hate for the rest of my life. In twenty years will I be doing what I love? Will it be what I think I love now? I'm so scared of failure. No one's really actually seen me act, save for the drama students and Mrs. Longley. Right now I'm betting on getting a good role in Music Theater next year; but what if I don't? What if I can't even get a lead role in a measly high school production? This year I had an excuse, next year I won't. But if I can't even do that then how will I compete in the real world? What if I all I can really do is copy people? What if I can't build my own character? What will I do then? I could become an actress but I'll never be famous. I don't really care about fame but I would like to be a little known, I'd like to be in good movies. I want to play dramatic roles that'll awe and amaze people. And if I can't do that, I don't know what I'll do.

I don't want to end up like my mother or father. Living but every second in regret or in unfulfilled purpose. I don't want that. I don't want that....

When Raccoon Eyes Are In, I'll Become Popular

I've noticed I write funny on my blog. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know people read it, even though I know those people won't judge me on what I write, I'm self conscience about it. Meh.

I really shouldn't stay up late....

It makes me start acting weird O_o..............

Last night I went for a walk in the rain. It was interesting. Have you ever felt that nothing? Where you know you're sad but you really just feel "nothing" not even like you normally do, just, there, standing, breathing. I sat there, for a while, letting the sent of fresh rain wash over me. What a wonderful smell that rain is. Like clouds and tears that seem to cover the ground and the trees and make them dance. You can sense it, feel it even-- when they dance. It's when the world lets go of her stress and allows the water to wash her and refresh her. Without it how could she addorn herself with flowering beauties? How could she maintain her soft skin of grasses? The rain makes me want to cry out and dance. To scream silently, joys and sorrows of things I don't even realize exist. I want to create, something magical, fantastic, new. I want to relive the past and press forward into the future.

I wanted to sit there forever.

Just a Little Update

So for my birthday we will NOT be sleeping over at Central although we will go there after the scavenger hunt. I forgot to ask people to bring flashlights, so if you have one please bring it. Also if if could get everyone to comment if they're coming and for what that'd be great.

Cya tomorrow!

PARTAE

So I'm handing out everyone invites. If you didn't receive one or have misplaced yours here's the information again:

What: Sianna’s 17th Birthday (finally)
When: Saturday May 2
Where: 3pm ~ @ Dairy Queen
6pm ~ @ CMS

It’s a PHOTO SCAVANGER HUNT ya’ll. So bring your camera. We will meet downtown where we will assemble into groups and go wild with the clickin’.

After chillin downtown and taking some awesome shots we will go back to CENTRAL MIDDLE SCHOOL for supper and games and cake XD

Recommended Things to bring:
• CAMERA
• Sianna’s gift* :D (see below for details)
• FUN

*For all of you who don’t know, I would like everyone to make a mix CD for me of your favourite songs. If you can’t finish it in time or it will be completely and utterly impossible or you think I won’t like your tastes then that’s ok. I just want to expand my music horizons! So any music is welcome!

Whether or not we will be sleeping over at Central has not been confirmed. I will post by Friday if not sooner what will be happening on my blog. We will for sure be going to CMS after the scavenger hunt for supper and games.

My Blog → sibanana.blogspot.com