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I feel colorful :D

The half a week of school went well. The spare block I first despised I now find very useful. I haven't taken any homework actually home, although this isn't so odd; what is odd is that it is actually getting finished. School has yet to get a rhythmic beat I can follow every day but it is coming and I am comfortable.

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night, and after I got over the fact that I was watching a very girly movie I started really liking it. It was so ROMANTIC and in a good way, I can't believe it. Mr. Darcy was very cute if not a little emo... but eventually he got over himself. :D I wonder if such a fictional love does exist. Sometimes I think it does, how be it I still have yet to see such a manifestation. Wouldn't that be wonderful if it were true though? I suppose it must be since human mind is not so creative to create such a wonderful love.

I have been getting worse at sleeping at night. Grandma believes it is because I spend too much time in bed doing other things, eg. reading, watching TV, listening to music etc. I think it may be because I have just a lot on my mind right now. I mean, it is grad year, not to mention all of my regular stuff I deal with piled on that. The weird thing is, I would quite like my insomnia if it weren't for the fact that it left me feeling so drained and wanting coffee by the end of the day.

Do you ever wonder about friendship? I mean, the things we let our friends do to ourselves. We let them treat us worse than strangers treat us most of the time. What brings this question to my mind is the re visitation of past friends, whether is be spark of memory or odd conferences of random contact. What makes us as humans feel the need for companion and further more the need to let them do whatever they like with our emotions to keep them in our company?

Tomorrow I go to yoga. I am very excited as I haven't been in a very long time. I am also a little hesitant as I can only imagine the pain I will be in from impractice. But it will be good. I like the calmness that yoga bestows and the warmth. It's like everything is left at the door for a moment in time. The only trouble is that you pick those things back up upon leaving.

My grandma was transferred to Cresent Park at the end of the school year last year; it makes things a little weird because I now find myself at the school earlier than usual. And with my spare block at the end of the day I have an immense amount of free time. I've filled it with books to try and pass the time. This year I'll probably have a lot of time for books. (Give me suggestions on books to read...even though you all have goodread accounts but I never go on there so yah.)

I am now off to bed, as I am very, very tired. Perhaps I will have nice dreams tonight of magical adventures and hansom men. Perhaps it will be nonsense; or perhaps it will mean all the world. Where-ever my dreams may take me I hope it will be enjoyable and that my strength will be restored. Oh god I'm tired. Good night y'all.

GAWWW

Summer vacation....it's....it's......

over.

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*tear* I don't wanna go back to school, as immature as that sounds. I like having free time and being able to do random things in the middle of the week. Now I shan't be able to. It's going to get colder....and less sunny. I'll miss the sun. God listen to me. First day back and I'm whining, what a wussy.

Anywho, now that I've had my moment of general freak out.

So the first day back was the usual. Near-pointlessness, stress, and some utter detest towards fellow students. I just hope the school year will get better (which is usually does after a few weeks) and I'll be able to fall into a steady routine. One year left. I can do that right? Plus my hard courses are together in the first semester so I can get those out of the way and be able to enjoy my second semester in grad-y goodness.

And one good thing about winter coming:

stars.

I have retrieved my telescope back from my dad's. It's so beautiful. Summer's hard to star watch since it's so bright out all the time (obviously). Perhaps I can get in a little star-gazing this winter. I haven't done so in a while.

And also! I will need to practice this winter. Practice my acting as I have no drama courses until second semester. Perhaps I will re-learn that Lady Macbeth monologue, since it's evasion from my mind frightens me although it doesn't surprise me. And I should re-learn The Walrus and the Carpenter, one of my favourite poems that I used to know off my heart and still do slightly except for two verses that I just cannot seem to remember.

And I really should read more. So many books that need viewing, so many ideas to contemplate. I really should start reading better books.....

So I will update next week again sometime to tell the tale of school. Until then amigos.

Bloggy Bloggy Blogg

Yes I've been gone! But I's is back! :D ...but I'm so tired...and sick bleh. But Besides that the trip went all right. My dad's wedding was alright. I had a couple of times where I wanted to slam my head against a wall but I made it through with all brain cells intact! The wedding itself was very nice and the weather was beautiful and hot. I got to go to the beach and put my feet in the sand, which is the best part if you ask me. I never get enough time at the beach it seems. I went to Seattle after that which was pretty cool except that I got sick on the second day there. Bleh. That kind of ruined the party. Then we went up to Victoria. It was very nice there. We went for a walk. I blew bubbles. ^_^ The sea was wonderful even if it was just the river banks. Then we came home. It was a nice little trip.

I was thinking that we all need to hang out more this summer (once I get better at least....) I want to have a garden party or something, maybe barbeque and just hang out. Isn't that what summer's for? So ya. :D

I don't understand why I bother anymore. Writing that is. Especially here. No one reads this or if they do, I wouldn't know now would I? But I know I'll continue to write here for at least a little while longer. I don't think I've ever kept a blog so long. Usually it gets old and dies in that internet kind of way. I've never given up writing though. I've kept a journal since I was 11, although not a very consistent one. Most of my entries were months apart and I'd get bored of the journal or find a better one before filling up the one before. This caused a lot of barely filled journals that I don't know what to do with.

My old journal's (one's before I turned 15) are extremely embarrassing. This is of course because I was childish as everyone is in their "tweens". Sometimes I wonder how I even functioned back then. I know lots of people who burn their childhood journals once they go back and read them. I don't. You can't undo the past, so why try. Sure I did a lot of dumb things, and my thinking was interesting if not crazy, but that was all I really knew. I can't change that. I can change how I am now. I keep my journals as reminders of my errors. They're the essays of my life I spellcheck each and every day. Now a days I quite like my journal entrees. I won't say there aren't the odd ones that make me think I was high or something but now it's balanced with at least some reasonable thoughts. Sometimes though, I really do wish I could go back and change the past. There's a lot of things I'd change or at least warn pre-teen Sianna about. Like about the truth behind the church and behind my dad. About how most people like to screw you over without knowing it because they think they're helping you. I wish I could warn her, before she wasted precious time. I wish I could have told her to take piano or kept on dancing instead of listening to dad and quiting. I think about all the time wasted, doing nothing, doing stuff I thought was going to reap rewards but left me empty instead. But I can't steal that time back. There's nothing I can do to regain it. So, instead I work extra hard now; hoping that one day it'll pay off, because I can't see the future. I can't see if it'll help or not. I just have to pray that each and every day I'm growing in a way that'll benefit--not destroy.

Yes I use my past to fix my mistakes. Everyone does/should. Mine just happen to be in the form of old girly journals filled with nonexistent drama and awkward moments. Which is why, even though no one updates, or actually read this, I'm still going to keep a blog. Because sometimes you need to write down what's going on in your mind, no matter how stupid it really is.

As Much As To Say, Well Now How About That?

I'm blogging again. At night. No wonder I'm so tired, I stay up late. I can't help it. I just want to sit and read or surf the net or listen to music. The day gets so hectic, but I don't just want to sit and do nothing to relax; at least reading makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. The best thing though is when I get an inspiration and write. It makes me feel free. I get the greatest feelings from new stories or poems but a blog or journal entree can be just as fulfilling.

I like blogs. It's like a journal I can show to my friends and any other random people online (although to be truthful, there aren't many that stumble upon it). I like writing about my day and feelings and I like knowing that people read it. Whereas my real journal, there might be one or two entrees that I'd like someone to read but then there are always the ones you'd be mortified if anyone read it that they might accidentally come upon. No blogging is probably the safest way. Plus if you don't want people you know to read it you can become anonymous but still have people comment.

I have to laugh when people tell me "technology is changing the way we think" which is all good if your 30+ but for me who grew up with the technology it isn't "changing" my mind, it shaped my mind. When you're born all you have to teach you is the influence around you. I think basically you become you by the influence from that time until you're about thirty. So to say that technology is changing "us" is really a passive saying. Maybe it's changing society as a whole, I mean people don't use old tubs for laundry anymore and you can now talk to anyone anywhere at anytime. But that's what I'm used to, so is it really changing me? Maybe the upgrading is, but really.

You're influenced a lot by everything around you. I wonder if I'd be the same person if I had different friends. I know I'd definitely be more naive if I had more childish friends. But I wonder if I'd like different music or movies. There are things I like that other people don't like, so I don't talk about it. Is that hiding? I guess it is in a way, but really if I came out and they didn't scoff would it really make any difference? Just because I like something doesn't mean that I'll make people not hate it anymore. If I lived in the city would I always dream of the country? I guess I'll never know unless I can remember a passed life or something...

I wish I had my headphones, even though they're crappy. Or even better, my old ones hadn't of broken. It's hard to listen to music and appreciate it fully when the keyboard is clacking and you can't really hear the background instruments. I was going to get new ones, but I think I'm going to use the money to buy a new ipod, since mine is almost broken. Or maybe not, because I don't really care, since it still plays music. I mean the screen is a little dark and the hold button doesn't work but really? Is it worth buying a whole new ipod over? Sigh, now I'm just undeciding again...

As midnight is rolling around I should probably get to sleep (not bed since technically I'm in bed already). Luckily Dance tomorrow won't be very intense since a few grade 12's won't be there. God I'm tired-- and it's only tuesday.

Oh I've Been Mapping it Out, I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me But I Wish That it Was Something Else

Last week I missed at least half of my classes due to how tired I was. It's just so easy to say, "I don't think I want to go to school today" and turn off the alarm clock. I don't think I've ever been so tired. But hopefully I've slept in enough this weekend that I won't be so exhausted next week. Plus I really need to stop reading books into the wee hours of the morning, that can't be helping my sleep pattern.

Maybe it's just the fact that this school year is almost over. It's slightly terrifying. I can't even be ignorant over summer vacation because I'll be working to save up for college. I can feel the boxed days of High School closing in around me as if I were some sort of mime. I want to get out of the box but I've been in this box for a while and now I know every corner and crack of it. I know my way around. Outside the box, I don't. I have no idea how to take care of myself. I mean sure, you can leave me alone. I can cook and clean and do my own laundry. But what about those things I have no idea about? Like what if I end up spilling something dreadful all over the carpet? Or if suddenly my toilet stops working? I don't know how to handle that.

What if I go to college and find out I can't do it? That it's too hard and really I suck? What if I find out that I just can't be an actress because I'm no good at it? Or maybe I am good technically, but I just don't have a light that shines bright enough to get good parts or good jobs. If I fail I'll have to crawl back. Then my mother and father will laugh at me and trap me again, telling me how they told me my dreams were foolish and how I should have stuck to academics or becoming a good wife. I just can't. I can't become something I don't want, I can't do something I hate for the rest of my life. In twenty years will I be doing what I love? Will it be what I think I love now? I'm so scared of failure. No one's really actually seen me act, save for the drama students and Mrs. Longley. Right now I'm betting on getting a good role in Music Theater next year; but what if I don't? What if I can't even get a lead role in a measly high school production? This year I had an excuse, next year I won't. But if I can't even do that then how will I compete in the real world? What if I all I can really do is copy people? What if I can't build my own character? What will I do then? I could become an actress but I'll never be famous. I don't really care about fame but I would like to be a little known, I'd like to be in good movies. I want to play dramatic roles that'll awe and amaze people. And if I can't do that, I don't know what I'll do.

I don't want to end up like my mother or father. Living but every second in regret or in unfulfilled purpose. I don't want that. I don't want that....

When Raccoon Eyes Are In, I'll Become Popular

I've noticed I write funny on my blog. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know people read it, even though I know those people won't judge me on what I write, I'm self conscience about it. Meh.